How to Order a Martini (Stirred, not Shaken) Posted on February 7, 2012 by Duga Resa
Like driving stick and spotting fake breasts, every self-respecting man should know how to order a martini. I am aware that almost nobody likes gin, but ordering a martini is sexy to women and demands respect from men – unless you’re just out getting drunk with your buddies, in which case ordering a martini is merely gay. If you aren’t one for long articles, I’ll give you the spoiler up front: “Gin martini, dry, stirred, up, one olive.” The recipe is in quotes because that is verbatim what you say to the bartender or waiter. It is the formula for a pure martini, the way they were meant to be made. If you’ve never had one prepared this way, then make sure you try it before messing with the ingredients. If you do decide to change things up, follow this simple ordering convention:
1. Name your base – The base is either gin or vodka. Call out the brand you prefer like this, “I’ll have a vodka martini, Stoli…” In some circles, it’s only a martini if it’s made with gin. I liken this to people insisting that sparkling wine isn’t really champagne unless it was made in Champagne, France. I.e. I think it’s a stupid stance to take. Having said that, real men order their martinis with gin. If you have trouble, be reminded that vodka is just gin without the juniper. It’s close enough, so man up. Also, you’re already getting whored on the price so stick to top shelf liquor. Bombay Sapphire is an excellent gin.
2. Choose the amount of vermouth – “Extra dry” is no vermouth, “dry” is some vermouth, and “wet” is extra vermouth. Not much else to say here except that if you order your gin sans vermouth, hats off to you.
3. Shaken or stirred – Contrary to what Mr. Bond prefers, a martini is almost never ordered shaken. It is fine for fruity martinis, so if you’re ordering for a female get her a splash of fruit juice and order it shaken. For your drink, however, shaking may leave it watery, bitter, and filled with chips of ice, which is unacceptable for a man of such class as yourself. Stirring provides plenty of agitation to mix and cool the ingredients.
4. Up or on the rocks – Translation: ice or no ice. The goal is to not water down the flavor so always order “Up.”
5. Choose a garnish – A gin martini is most commonly garnished with an olive or two. More than one may imply you are trying to cover up the taste of the gin, so start with one and see how that goes. If you really want to get some olive taste in there and be sneaky about it, then order your drink “dirty.” That tells the bartender to add some extra olive juice to the mix. You may also want to try a twist of lemon or lime, especially with a vodka martini.
There you have it. The next time you’re at a fancy dinner or event, wait for a hard ten to approach the bar, step up next to her, and drop your perfectly crafted martini order. I want to keep this PG so let me just say, she’ll probably be tonguing your balls by the end of the night.
